I used to be pretty impulsive when younger but thought that I had put that part of me away as I grew older. I used to pride myself for being incredibly patient even with the most trying people I met - until I met Val.
Oh boy. Does he press some nasty buttons in me. There are bad days when my patience level is at all time low - cos I am sickly like now, or really tired out from work - and every crazy, jiggling move from him seems to drive me off da wall. I tend to think that he behaves so much better when we're alone - somehow i am in better control of myself, and he in better control of himself. It's just me and him - but once the grandparents are in the picture or anybody close to the family are around - boy, the lil man can sometimes go off his rocker so much so that it really pisses me off.
Today was one of those days - fluey as I am - I tried so hard to tell him: Val, Mama's ill, will you please be a good boy? Without a glance, he is off at 180km/h, zooming about, jumping off the bed, crashing headlong into me, laughing his silly head off. Brushing his teeth is a pain in the arse - aiyah - everything he did just seemed so irritable to me. I tried sooo hard, i really did try. I had to raise my voice a coupla times, but luckily I didn't fly into an ugly ugly rage. I managed to teeter on the edge and pull back again.
It's awful isn't it? this whole mama rage thing.
i didn't even know that i had it in me before. It's like a Gruffalo with all its ugly purple prickles, warts, ugly teeth, knobbly knees, and angry orange eyes that I never knew existed. Somehow Val is like the golden key that unlocks it. PHOOWAAAA!!! ROARR!!!
After i put the boy to bed, I flip open my first issue of Mothering Magazine (in my opinion one of the best parenting magazines around - no nonsense, no commercial fluff, au naturel) - and lo and behold what do I see? This article:
Managing Mama RageIt was taunting me with a cheeky
nah nah nah boo boo, thumbing its nose with a shake in its bonbon.
Yeah, yeah i know this is meant for me. I read it through and am so glad for it. We are usually taught to count 1-10 right? This one teaches the art of "Snake breath", "bumblebee breath", "birthday breath", as well as the "earth, water, air, fire" series of breath. Different ways to breath out, to dissipate the anger. Children can learn these techniques too.
Most importantly, the reminder that in fits of anger, what we lose ain't just our temper, but control over ourselves.
The writer quotes Hal Edward Runkel of
Screamfree Parenting that when parents lose it, it's because we're trying to control our children's behaviour instead of focusing on controlling our own. What we have 'lost' is the ability to calm ourselves down.
Runkel's advice is to say to oneself: I control my own reactions.
This fell like a stone onto my lap. Such simple advice. I know I have been somewhat practising it - - by articulating to Val that I am growing impatient and getting angry. But somehow, I have failed to dissipate the pressure... allowing the boiling anger to froth over.
I need to learn to walk away - to breath - to calm my spirit down. To be in control of myself again.
This whole mothering business is really trying. Have you heard me say all this before? It must be mama amnesia.
