panic button

It takes rumours and panic and a few irrational fellas to press the alarm bell here. we had just finished lunch and hopped into a taxi to head back to UN House. Just as we turned the corner (i was still showing the interns the Brasil Restaurant & Erli) when suddenly there was a commotion behind us. 2 guys on a motorbike were honking the loudly and racing towards us, and we saw a stream of men running and then suddenly there were so many vehicles that had seemed to appear from nowhere descend upon us.Two cars next to us began honking persistently, as if in a car rally, in fact, some people were laughing in excitement. But the old man driving us was really worried and i kept telling him, "Tiu, la buat ida, lao neineik." which meant "Uncle, don't worry, it's nothing, just go slowly." it was hard not to panic because when there were so many vehicles rushing past us and onto us. the old man asked me in a shaken voice, "mana, oinsa?" ("How, sister?") I just told him to carry on slowly back to our office. It was a quiet trip back to the office but when we arrived, people were on the radios, monitoring the situation. "A government vehicle has been burnt," the news went around. We turned and saw black smoke rising in the distance but could not see anything else. we are some distance away from the demonstration site and are almost in our oasis - locked up in the Obrigado Barracks. It's hard to know what the reality is like outside. The cackle on the radio sounds urgent, with timorese voices updating each other on the situation. Everyone sounds worried and a headcount is done to find out who is missing and out there having lunch. The Timor Telecom network is down - unable to handle the heavy load from everyone trying to contact their families.

an intern has just returned, she was in the business district when her Timorese friend told her to run. As they were running, she saw black smoke and there was smell of burning in the air. The two of them sought refuge in a timorese home and then waited for some time before the Police arrived and began directing traffic. Then she heard more people running, some screaming and saying that the government palace was burnt down. Then she saw cars driving by with smashed windscreens and broken windows. After a while, the friend's uncle drove by (also with smashed windscreen) and drove her back into the UN compound.

Some staff having lunch at Tropical Bakery said the staff there tried to lock up the entire place including them. While another saw old, aged women in panic, running up to the hills.

The Timorese, thanks to the horrors of the '99 violence still fresh on their minds, have a panic button that is very very easily triggered.You can't blame them because their brothers, sisters, friends and relatives were indeed killed before and they themselves victims of the violence. So whenever there are rumours or any hint of anything not right, families flee to the hills for refuge.

And you know what, some people know this weakness and are exploiting it. The demonstrators may be having a peaceful protest but anyone, just one or two persons who are keen on creating trouble, to loot for personal gains or to upset the current government, can so easily spark off panic.

The international media has also NOT helped. A few days ago the OZ papers reported that there were 5000 people gathered which was untrue. You see, when you feed the rumour mill, more bad things happen! Argghhh...... and it was not true that tensions were high in Dili when they reported it. Today, yes, admittedly yes there is tension and now, sadly, we are making those reports come true...

it's so unfair for timor! we need the peace right now for the economy to progress and we need stability. the LAST thing we need is this thing now!

if you want to help timor, the first thing to do is to get the facts right.. which is extremely difficult too. i mean, as i write this i am in the office, safe and surrounded by guards, i can't see the situation outside and am depending on reports from people to even blog this.

sunrise sunset

which side does the sun favour? where it rises or where it sets? we know that the sun loves both sides but we ourselves don't. "divide and conquer" is an age-old strategy that preys on the hearts of humans by creating imaginary divisions and making us believe that these differences are real and do matter. Long time ago, the tall white people who came here planted fissions in the ethnic kaleidescope, then the neighbours came and did the same, and encouraged the fissions to widen into chasms. Thankfully a bitter war and the common enemy made the people of sunrise and sunset unite, so they could shield off the ugly freezing winter to emerge bright and victorious. Now that the ice queen has been defeated, the warmth that the shiny people of sunrise and sunset had for each other has evaporated too. Not ALL of course but some. But that is enough. Sunrise thinks it's better than sunset because it hails the coming of a new day while sunset think it's so much prettier clad in the pinks, purples, and blues of dusk. one thing leads to another and now, the sunset men in green say they get pushed around by sunrise. Now sunset refuses to budge, and doesn't want to be part of the routine anymore. Afterall, why should the sun rise before it sets? how about if the sun stay up in the sky 24/7? now, as sunset and sunrise tussle, the sun is torn between the two and showing some cracks. the enemies rub their hands together in glee, plotting to throw the nets on sunrise and sunset altogether - while they are distracted. the grass gets scorched, the rivers dry up, the animals starve, and the land cracks up with the sun up in the sky all the time. the visitors say we don't want to visit this land anymore, it's too hot and there's no food or water. so what will sunrise and sunset do? for the sake of the grass, rivers, animals and people, will they realise that they are equally important and equally equal for there can be no sunrise without a sunset, and no sunset if the sun has not risen earlier in the day?

ooo la la

it is finished - the complete look of the mystery man in my life. Anyways, it's Monday but i'm beat cos i spent the weekend cleaning up my room and then scrubbing up another room which i am planning to move into. Yupe. the news is that my SIF term with Unicef is drawing to a close (end of May) but i'll stay on here for another 2 months before heading back to Singapore for a while.... it's only a temporary goodbye as i will be back! Doing what? I DON'T KNOW! I just know that i have to come back as Armando is here. This is going to be an exciting phase in my life - yet again filled with lots of uncertainties.. Wish me luck!

Al Jazeera reads this blog!

Ok how could i not be cheered up when I found out that someone from Al Jazeera (that rather controversial news network that Bush has schemed to bomb a few times) actually reads this blog?

How did i find out?

Well just moments ago, a young Timorese guy walked in and told us that a crew from Al Jazeera (KL) is coming to Timor in May and wants to interview a UNICEF national staff who "from a cleaner became a chief" - ok so he was slightly off the mark - but we ALL knew immediately who that CLEANER he was referring to is. The funny thing was he said that in front of that person who "from a cleaner became the principal secretary for the UNICEF chief".

Yulian, Tony and I all looked at G who, by this time, was so mortified and embarrassed. The messenger stared in disbelief and kept asking "is it really you? are you all joking?" So there, that's how i know that my blog's being read by Al Jazeera. It's just made my day and of course G's! ;-)

hey editors at Al Jazeera, are you going to credit moi in your report? I like how newspapers put at the bottom of articles "additional reporting by xxxx". (Hint Hint *kekekeke*)

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That's how i felt when i received the email from Columbia announcing their regret for denying me a place in the Grad School there... My world swirled into slow motion while i stared at the screen and digested the news. Me? Rejected? Denied? Slowly a concoction of confusion, indignation and disappointment began to bubble, while at the same time, my guardian angel kept yelling out to me, "hey, remember what you told Jesus? Thy Will be done?" I picked up the cell and called Armando and told him the news, with sniffles punctuating the sentences.

Then i texted my boss Madhu to tell her the news and she called me immediately. Words at moment such as this are hard to find. But she being she, hit the nail on the head when she said, "I know you are going to feel some sense of inadequacy. I know how that feels." She comforted me and told me to take some time off before returning to work for some healthy distraction.

it's true...
while accepting that perhaps this IS God's will - perhaps He means different things for me and perhaps it's not my time yet - but one question (that appears in different guises) stares at me and it's what the Devil will use to make people like me feel even worse about myself:

WHY was i not accepted?
AM i not good enough?
WHY do other people get accepted and not ME?

Armando picked me up and we had coffee at Roo Bar (that had big mossies zinging about). We talked about my disappointment and he tried his best to comfort me. I think, more importantly, i wanted him to assure me that life goes on with or without a master's degree. It's not easy to let go when you've spent the past year taking the TOEFL test (and scoring so well at it!!!), completing two essays, and preparing for a rigourous test - all for this. But i know i must.

I'm just not used to rejections in my life.
OK OK... Even as i say this, i am so keenly aware of how blessed my life has been - a smooth sailing academic life, a wonderful and supportive family who have accepted my less than normal lifestyle, a generally healthy body and now an amazing boyfriend whom i can talk to endlessly and share my dreams with.

But you see.

Bridgette See ain't used to not getting what she wants. Everything she's strived for in her tiny limited world, she's gotten. From high school, to junior college, to university, to her broadcasting career, to the East West Center, even to wanting to do volunteer work..She ain't used to disappointment and now has to nurse an injured pride, while dealing with a re-evaluation of herself.

That's what rejection does to you right?
I started to question the reality i've constructed over the years in my brain. I began to ask "Was i any good before in Singapore? Was it all an illusion?" It seems as if this verdict from Columbia might threaten to sweep away all my self-esteem and confidence simply because i have been denied a place there.

As i write this, i remind myself of where i base my happiness on - - - is it the possession of a Master's degree? or what others think of me? OR can my happiness be found WITHIN me? Can i find joy within myself, whether in my intimacy with God or my character which 30 years have moulded?

One thing i learnt since quitting a 9to5 job in August 2004 is that God will provide.I've had times when i agonised over my sudden drop in income and dwindling savings account but always, He came to my rescue and lifted me up. I've built up a confidence that no matter where i am, what i do, i will be able to forge a living and make it meaningful. WHY? Because that source of happiness is WITHIN me.

This entry is my way of burying those disturbing questions of 'why' and allow myself to take a deep breath, thank the Lord for keeping me alive, and focus on living my life fully, with courage and happiness.

Who nose?

It's lunchtime on Monday after a weekend of mass-going and celebration of Easter! I sat through many hours of Tetum mass, clutching my English bible and reading the relevant passages in order to keep up with the mass. Even though the heat was rather unbearable, i still (perversely) enjoyed the experience.

Anyways, here's the promised second piece to the man-puzzle. I'm sorry if this blog is going the way of trivia. I promise there's only one more piece to it!

Bridgette SEEs timor

By popular request - an entry about the best places to see in Timor. For pictures you can drool over, and info that will make you drop your hectic schedules and rush over here, click on this official Timor Tourism website. But here's a quick selection of my own limited experience in Timor:

SEA - Timor's a half-island so the sea's the MUST-SEE for anyone coming to Timor. There's just LOOOOTS of great underwater life..The nearest snorkel/dive site is just 15 minutes to the left of Dili town called Dili Rock while the furthest is probably to the right most end - Jako island.

Here's Brian's underwater world site to ogle at squashy,squirmy,soft things!

NEXT ---- the marine sanctuary island of Jaco which is on the easternmost tip of Timor-Leste. Pristine white sand beaches and intense turqoise blue waters greet you as you step off the fisherman's boat onto the island. The snorkelling & diving is great, albeit with rather strong currents. So you should be fairly competent swimmer, or have a good buddy, and use fins! Read my entry on Jako for more details of our backbreaking journey there.

This mural map at a local dive shop shows you the dive sites in the country. There are many nice beaches within 1 hour's drive from Dili, the capital. The most popular is called Areia Branca which is on the way to Cristo Rei - the huge statue of Jesus that perches on the tip of a cliff and where devotees can remember the Passion of Christ by walking up the 14 Stations of the Cross. If you're not religious, you can still walk up to the foot of Jesus to enjoy the panoramic view from his perch. But the best beach (near to Dili) i have seen so far is the ONE DOLLAR BEACH which is about an hour's drive away in the Manatuto District.It has clean white sand and the bluest waters.

MOUNTAINS --- One website that offers pretty comprehensive information about trekking is www.discoverdili.com Timor (like Hawaii) has a very masculine landscape with jagged cliffs and towering mountains. Many villages are hidden up in the folds of valleys and when you drive into the hills away from Dili, there is often mist shrouding the peaks. Aileu (2 hours drive) and Maubisse (3 hours) are nice quaint districts to experience cooler climates. Venilale in Baucau is also pretty. The famous Matebian mountain is in Baucau while Mt Ramelau is in Aileu/Ainaro. To get there you need to hire a good four-wheel drive and if you don't have a person familiar with the hike, it would be advisable to have someone who can speak either Bahasa Indonesia or Tetum so that your group could communicate with the locals and ask them to guide you to the top of Ramelau.

One interesting thing about Timor-Leste is that it has a district called Oecusse that lies outside its border.

Oecusse is supposed to be the first landing spot for the Portuguese which this monument at Lifau Beach commemorates. Oecusse was the capital of Portuguese Timor until the arrival of the Dutch that led to the Portuguese to shift their capital to Dili in 18 A.D. When the DUtch and Portuguese formalised their relationship in 19 A.D., the Enclave or Exclave has since remained politically with Portugueste Timor. But really, the people in Oecusse are ethnically West Timorese - they speak Baikenu and often Bahasa Indonesia - and have family spread across the border into West Timor. So it's a pretty complex issue. Border conflicts continue 6 years after independence was restored to Timor-Leste. Read this blog by 2 filmmakers (based in Singapore)as they recount their experience in making a film about the reconciliation efforts in Passabe. You can get to Oecusse by boat.

There're lots more places to see but the last one I want to add in this entry is ATAURO ISLAND. I've never been there but i often stare longingly at the island from our end. I've heard stories of how beautiful the place is, but also of how poor the people are because of the distance from Dili and accessibility to goods and services. A ferry service goes there on Saturdays (i've heard rumours of a second service but it's not confirmed!) but you can also get local fishermen to bring you across in their little boats. OR if you are a group of 10, you could hire an Aussie boat for USD250 per way. In a nutshell, it ain't cheap to enjoy Atauro but i still hope to do it before i leave! See this website for an eco-tourism effort to promote Atauro while preserving its natural beauty.

Ok that's all from me now. But remember, seeing Timor-Leste isn't like any other holiday. You need to be 'tough' in some sense - coping with bad roads, simple housing and lack of electricity. So... COME AND VISIT!

the EYES have it, the EYES have it

Ok, this is not my bright idea. It's Armando's. *Cackle* He said that since i'm so shy about publishing his face, I could cut it up and introduce him by bits. So there.I'm in a good mood too as I've just finished up another feature article for UNICEF and it should soon see the light of day on the internet. YEAH! What a great MONDAY!

This is the Ibu who runs a small warung outside the former UN House. Even though we are now about 100metres further away from her little shop, we still brave the sun and rain to eat there everyday. WHY? because she is one of the best and cheapest eats in town...
For USD1.25, you help yourself to
1) rice (unlimited)
2) tempe & tofu (many many)
3) kangkong (big tongful)
4) one more vegetable (usually carrots & beans)
5) fried fish or chicken (one piece)
6) great sambal (unlimited)
**She's preparing it in the picture!
7) sometimes even a fried egg!

God bless her for providing affordable food for people like me! Oh and don't think she looks so frazzled and sweaty all the time. (The warung is super hot!) When she attends mass on sundays, she looks completely different - with coiffed hair and suits!

a taste of Timor

Now that I'm finally re-settled back into life in Dili, I'm looking through old photos to blog - sorta like filling in the blank spaces left by the illness. This was one taken at Maubara in Liquica District when my parents came to visit me in Timor! This visit was something i had been praying to God for a long time because my dad had been very resistant to the idea of coming to Timor ever since I was posted here. He, like many Singaporeans, have heard and seen only the chaos so well-captured on cable news and have visions of crime, theft, and riots etched into his mind. So when I first asked them to visit me many months ago, the answer had been "you just come home quickly!" So it was indeed God's grace that helped my mom persuade Dad to join a group of Catholics (from Legion of Mary) to see this country. During the first few days of their visit, I was up in a retreat center in Maubara for training so Armando drove them up to see me instead. I think my parents got to see the beauty of this country, especially when they went up to Gleno where it was cool and when I brought them to see the spectacular beaches of Timor.

(RIGHT)This is them up at Cristo Rei overlooking the beaches of Areia Branca.

But it is no doubt a harsh environment for city people. After being pampered by clean tap water, cool air-conditioning, and dust-free air in Singapore, the sizzling heat in Dili and the generally lower standard of living certainly tested my parents. This was not a conventional HOLIDAY for them. Mind you, they are not rich folks who travel in first class or are mollycoddled, but they still found it a challenge.

Nevertheless, I'm still proud of them for even setting foot on the soil of Timor-Leste. I'm glad they took the challenge to step out of their comfort zone although they might have regretted it a little bit! Mom, Dad, Thanks for coming to see me....

Back @ work

Yeap I arrived back in Dili on APRIL FOOLS' Day! and am now back into the swing of things at work. I lost some kilogrammes during my illness but am now looking like i've piled on the pounds again.......#$%%^&&*** ..... i also had a hair cut the day i came home - thanks to the Vietnamese barber who lives on my compound.And as you can see from this photo... i look rather healthy don't i? (although not very photogenic!) :-) a far cry from 10 days ago when my hair was stringy, my back hunched over, and my face an ashen gray. Thank you for your prayers and thoughts!