Kite flying and the state of Zen

*correction: all photos thanks to auntie May's hubba Ian!!

Was a strange outing cos the kite flying took all of 5 minutes, before the strings got majorly tangled up, no thanks to Mr Valente SmellyBottom Lay! He had joy, oh boy, getting me in a tizzy, as i struggled to stop the mess from worsening. But the boy was like in the cartoons, running circles round my ankles, creating a kite chaos out there. very malu i tell you. While YM sat down on the grass with vera laughing at the escapade, Ian was kindly helping me to sort out the mess. In the end, we had to resort to distracting val - getting him to run far away - in order for one adult to have the time to disentangle the kites! Thanks to Ian, we ended up with three clumps of kites with a bunch horribly still in knots. Last night, i finally had the peace and quiet, after the boy had fallen asleep, to slowly pick through the strings. I had fallen asleep with him and woken up at 12midnight to face this task.

In the still of the night, the knotty problem became a good opportunity to meditate upon my current state of affairs. I got all contemplative - how can you not! All those knots, so complicated, yet they were only created by simple twists - no one actually went to great lengths to mess them up - but yet they just seem so indomitable if you are in a hurry to sort them out.

But when it's quiet, when time kinda stood still, when the mind's at peace, the problem didn't seem so daunting. Complex yet totally can be fixed.

Slowly, by observing the way the strands were twisted, and by quietening my heart, I was able to tease the kites in and out, loop-a-loop, and before long, had restored the entire string of kites to their complete, unentangled state.

I think I had a brief encounter with Zen last night. :-)

**Additional pix - Val caught in the act!

@Henderson Waves

A couple of good friends brought Val and I to Henderson Waves for a nice Sunday afternoon walk (or lots of running in Val's case). It was hilarious cos he was so thrilled racing down the downhill slope of the bridge while I was busy running ahead of him (facing him!) fearful that he would go kersplatz on his face. He really did fall a number of times which was okay, as long as he didn't roll down the slope - - my biggest paranoia! But yeah, a simple bridge like that gave him a good hour of entertainment - running up and down, splaying on the nice wooden flooring, peering through the wired fencing, hunting for "Totoro" in the nooks and crannies (have i mentioned that he is currently obsessed with Miyazaki's Totoro?). We ended the walk with slurpy chocolate chip ice cream from a hawker. :-) Nice. I really love such active outings and thank SY and CW for spending their afternoon with us. Arigato! Mahalo!

Who Would Want a Child Like That

Deeply touched by this blog link on my oldest friend (26 years we have known each other!)YM's blog site (www.mylittlevera.blogspot.com) and so i am reBlogging it here.

http://severedisabilitykid.blogspot.com/2010/01/who-would-want-child-like-that.html

We heart Mandarin

Increasingly, we have been getting all sorts of nice compliments from people - taxi drivers, strangers, friends, relatives, etc - who are pleasantly surprised by how fluent Val is in Mandarin. We are thankful for his current propensity to yammer away in Mandarin, and hope that this affinity to his mother tongue will help stir up interest in his heritage as he grows older.

My mom was a Chinese language teacher so I never had much problem speaking or studying it in school - but i was never stellar at it. In fact, i only scored an A2 for CL2 and B3 (gasp*) for CL1. but my mom was always cool about it. In fact, i believe her greater worry back then was that my sister and I would not pick up English properly since she and my dad were Chinese-educated. So she went through much pain (and drama) to get my sis and I transferred from Red Swastika to Haig Girls when we were about 8 years old. She said that she pulled all kinds of strings then to persuade Mrs Bandara to get my sister into the school, then when it came to my turn, she turned on the emotional tap by dressing me up in my sis' oversized pinafores (Haig Girls' uniform) and got me to see the principal. That emo-card certainly trumped Mrs Bandara's resolve not to admit another student. So voila! I entered Haig Girls in Primary 2.

School was really a shock for me then cos I could hardly string a sentence in English together. I only knew how to write my name in English. For years i had "please see me" scribbled on all my English essays for my atrocious grammar. Thankfully, a horde of hand-me-down Enid Blytons saved my future - i got hooked on the Five Find Outers and Dog, Nancy Drew, Three Investigators, etc - and my English got better too. Those "please see me"s finally disapparated in Primary 6, and I even won second spot in a writing essay the next year when I was in high school.

At Dunman High, the Chinese teachers (except my mom! haha) who taught me were very unimaginative. They were traditional, and unexciting. They hardly aspired anyone to find out more about the language. In contrast, i had Alan Watkins, our crazy gwailou English lit teacher, who had an earring in his left ear, a deep jolly laugh, and a wicked sense of humour. A few of us were so inspired that we would stay back with him after school for our own "Dead poets society" kinda meetings. We studied poetry and texts that were not part of our curriculum. While my classmates were ploughing through "Much Ado about nothing" i was reading "Merchant of venice" and other Shakespeare originals. We studied literature so widely that during my GCE o levels, I was able to take on the additional poetry questions that the rest of my classmates weren't able to.

Meeting Alan Watkins was a watershed period for me. He showed me what being different was about, and that a genuine passion for something can lead one to do so much more. Since then, I took it upon myself to pursue subjects that i could only truly love.

But i digress, what i meant to say, was that i had gone, in a space of years, from a Chinese-speaking and reading 8 year old, to a teenager who was a lot more comfortable in English literature.

But the saving grace is that, no matter what, I have remained bilingual. My respect for the Chinese language and my ability to converse in it have stayed with me despite my nefarious affair with English. During my extended travels in China, i was able to conduct all my conversations purely in Chinese. Thought to be a local, I would get away with local prices and entrance fees. Muahaha. that truly came in handy.

Now, as a parent, I am also able to speak with Val in complete Chinese sentences if i so wish. It's good training for me. I have learnt many new Chinese terms in the past 2 years; oddly I have observed that my Chinese-speaking parents themselves are struggling to speak in complete Chinese sentences. The pervasiveness of English have corrupted their conversations; more often than not, my parents are the ones resorting to using English terms and not me. I am still trying to "de-bug" that, but it really shows how English has crept into everyone's lives.

I tell my parents that I would rather they speak great Chinese then attempt half-baked English. Let's take pride in our mother tongue, for goodness sake! I know many grandparents feel pressured to speak English to their grandkids because these kids simply don't respond to Chinese at all. It's a tough situation to be in. I am just glad that for now, we don't have that issue. And when the time comes for val to fall in love with English, I hope that his Chinese roots would have sunk deep enough to keep him in touch with one of the oldest languages on earth.

my growing boy

Photo captured using MoreLomo, a free iPhone app, that gives that cool lomo edge to all your blurry iphone pix! :-)

random sketches

On my right, I see half of the Singapore Flyer, still and stagnant, while a tiny helicopter whirs overhead. The dark clouds are looming, and the full length windows of the library gives a panoramic view of the city skyline. So many cranes in the far distance where the casino is being constructed - the scene is surreal and perilous looking, as a mothership-like structure straddles the three pillars, and six cranes perch on top, their arms raised up in salute. it is like they are building a giant ark in the sky, except that it's for Mammon and not God.

i have been enmeshing myself in the mobile tech world ever since i laid hands on the iPhone. The incredible ease of internet surfing, facebooking and tweeting has made more reluctant to power up a pc (it now seems to take forever to get it on, dial up the modem etc), when the phone is there. Except the battery sucks, literally.

The boy is speaking loads and making me laugh with his remarks. Every weekend is an intense mother-son bonding period, when he koala himself onto me, as if hungry for more mommy time. It can be sapping how much he takes from me but also satisfying. He now enjoys taking words from songs and mashing them up to make new ditties. I think he got that from me.

I don't like how the boy is growing up to like ALL the foods that i love. Mushrooms, fishballs, chicken wings, noodles. It just means that we will be fighting over our food in the future.

Is it obvious that this blog is all about distraction? I am supposed to get on with my book review of The Strategic Drucker and all i have been doing is reading up more and more about the old man (who should have been 100 if he didn't die 5 years ago), and not getting a start on the essay. Arggh.

how did 2009 pass me by?? (my life remembered)

and so it's gone. 2009. bye bye. how did 10 entire years slip by like that? what's there to show for the decade?

* lots more white hair
* lots of jiggly and highly loyal fats
* lots more lines on the face
* lots more stubborn freckles
* 9 credits of a Masters programme that's W.I.P
* a 2-year old whirlwind of a typhoon named Val

I was listening to a podcast by The Guardian - their last of the decade, entitled "the Noughties" and was suddenly compelled to think through each year that passed.

Here's what i remember of each year (upon writing it all, i then realised, SHIT! i did a lot! AND am so glad i did it, cos i am now on another journey of a totally different kind!)

1999 into 2000: I distinctly remember sitting on a boat in Inle Lake (Burma) with E & R, freezing our butts and noses off in the sub-zero (Yess! in Burma!) temperatures, hailing in the new millennium. Singing with Burmese boys and then narrowly escaping a crazy boy who was in love with R. Hilarious. We cycled furiously uphill, aided by a chivalrous Briton, while pursued by the madly infatuated Burmese man who tried v hard to snog R. He fell, got into a bloody mess, and we just left him there cos we were too terrified to help him. Next morning, he came and tried to win some sympathy points from R, offering to show his blood-stained shirt. PSFFFFFT! but yes, that was an epic 60 days i spent in Burma. learnt to speak Burmese and appreciate the wonderful grace of the Burmese people.

2000: joined CNA in February and began my 4-year career there. First major story: SQ006 Taipei crash. Too rookie to be sent to Taipei. could only look on with much envy. Volunteered to cover stories of victims' families. Spent many days solemnly attending funerals and memorials, getting the heart-felt stories, getting connected with families, and also crying my heart and eyes out while attending the funerals. esp. Subhash Anandan's brother's funeral, where i really quite lost it, having interviewed them extensively. *Sob* also had to cover a friend's brother's funeral. was chased away, and put in difficult position by a boss who didn't care if i was uenthical getting the story. This friend, who was very angry with me, later apologised to me some 5 years later when he saw me again. He said he later wished that he had allowed me to do a proper story of his pilot brother,how he died so heroically saving others.

2001: 9-11 of course. who can forget that? I remember sitting in the living room, watching this most surreal piece of breaking news on CNN. I texted my sis who was in a taxi, and then when the second plane crashed right into the WTC IN FRONT OF MY TWO ALREADY WIDE WIDE OPEN EYES, i really saw history unfolding right infront of me. the exhilaration. the amazement. the incredulity of the whole situation. epic.

oh, and i went to Tibet earlier in June for Raleigh's Operation Tashi Deleg, my second Singapore expedition (after Burma) and my third extensive community service trip.


2002: i went to Hawaii. the rest i can't remember. i was a surfer gal for six months. i learnt hawaii from a kumu hula who was an activist, using dance and hawaiian language to reclaim their lost culture, that was oppressed by missionaries who thought hawaiians were heathen. 'nuff said.

2003: strangely can't recall much of what happened here.

After some thinking, i remember that this was the year the navy ship collided into a huge container ship. I had my passport with me the day the crash happened, took off immediately for Bintan for reporting and stayed there for 6 days.

2004: watershed year. quit my job! had planned this for two years (after returning from hawaii). left without a job, much to colleagues' amazement. Felt the adrenalin rush of not knowing where the $ will come next. Finally dipped my toes into magazine writing - something I don't regret.

A simple 10-day trip to Cambodia with T had me falling, tumbling, hurtling into my Khmer affair. I went to Cambodia FIVE times in the space of 12 months - - as a tour guide for a friend's trekking business and the last time as the oldest participant of a YEP project. I visited Tuol Sleng and Killing Fields five times. Lived in villages countless times. Learnt to speak Khmer.

Capped off the year with a four-month trip from Yunnan to Laos, to Cambodia, and back to Singapore ending January 2005. Had one backpack with the entire time. V proud of it. Made good friends - my clients on the trips I led as a tour guide - and we're still in contact today.

2005: As Tsunami of Xmas 2004 hit, I was in Siem Reap, oblivious of what had happened. We had no internet in the vilage. Upon returning to Singapore, was roped into a flurry of post-tsunami volunteer work that took me to Nias, Medan for Raleigh recce work. Worked fulltime as a volunteer to coordinate things in Singapore. When the second earthquake hit, i remember that i was in Siem Reap (yes again) and people were texting me non-stop thinking i might be in Nias. All the places i had stayed in Nias were flattened. Kaput. Kerplazts. Ker-plunk.

Out of the blue, SIF offers me an assignment in East Timor starting in July 2005. I take it up, cos my parents didn't want me back in earthquake zone. So i left for war zone instead. Met two wonderful women - my UNICEF bosses- who will be inspiration for my life forever. Also met my husband there.

2006: In May 2006, just days before the first stint of my ten-month volunteer period was up, Timor fell into civil war. Bullets zinged overhead, tended to the wounded etc etc etc (it's all documented in this blog), and i was evacuated via a JICA ISOS plane back home. I returned in a month to take up a consultancy with UNICEF again. Saw first hand what it means to live in a displacement camp. heart breaks seeing children living in the open, susceptible to the elements, malnourished and ravaged by hungry mosquitoes. I grow up a lot.

2007: Became pregnant and had the unique experience of being preggers in a third world country. I appreciate that opportunity. It gave me plenty of insights into what it means to be pregnant in the two worlds i was straddling - the privileges that modern women have and what village women lack. suddenly the numbers oft cited for mortality rates made a lot of sense. I saw child survival in a totally different light - - as a mother, not as an aid worker.

returned to Sg Nov 2007 to await Val's delivery. Dec 2007 the typhoon arrives and i am stil being tossed about in his fury. Gosh.

2008: disappeared into the deep dark hole of motherhood. Will i ever find it? :-) perhaps only in blog entries and my scribblings in my journal. memories of sore nipples, breastfeeding at night, and lots of photo taking dominate my life.

2009: er... hello world. i finally begin working again full time at Tuber. another rollercoaster ride as i learn how to negotiate the corporate jungle as a custom publishing animal. ROAR!!!!! lots to learn, and also lots of "idealism" to put aside as i become the pragmatic mom who is now most concerned about earning a stable income for my son's varsity fees.

Dec 31, 2009: I watch the countdown on TV - it is muted as Val slumbers on our bed. I hear the faint boom, boom, boom of fireworks as they are set off to usher in the new year. i can't help but recall how similar they sounded to the boom, boom, boom of mortar firing off in the mountains of Dili in May 2006.


Happy New Year.