okay okay, so it's probably quite obvious that i'm from the 'attachment parenting' clique. I didn't even know such a term existed until i became a mom and started reading Dr Sears' The Baby Book. I was devouring the book in the first month cos Val was a rather anxious and fussy (oops not supposed to use that term!) baby cos he cried when he was bathed, when he was changed, when everything la! Anyways, i tried to find some answers in that tome and started (as advised) using my own maternal instincts to parent Val instead of listening to what the 'wise' ones had to say. That is - i decided to carry Val as much as possible, ignoring the 'don't spoil your baby' group of advisors. Sorry folks, but really. Val wouldn't have wanted it any other way. He DEMANDED to be held, and my lactation consultant reckons it was particularly because Val was born rather small and skinny, all the more he wanted the warmth and comfort of mama. And so, i did it. I held him a LOT. Of course the naysayers would take every opportunity to make me put down baby, but i persisted. One day, a friend visited, and when she saw how close Val and I were. Val was perched upright, with both tiny hands on my chest, staring enthralled into my face, studying me closely even at 5 weeks old. She immediately said, "wa your child is so in love with you. ah, you must be practising attachment parenting."
The strange thing i find is that most people try to tell me that it's BAD to be attached to my child. When i began breastfeeding, someone told my Mom that breastfed babies are very attached to their moms. 'And so?' i asked my mom. 'What's so bad about that?' Somehow, in our modern times, it's NOT GOOD to be attached to your mommy???!!! Why? Why? I don't know. I mean, these are little babes we talking about. if they ain't attached to us, who or what do we want our babes to be attached to? Their pacifiers? Their teddies? Their domestic helpers? Sigh....
'You sure regret it if you carry him so much' - okay so how many of you have heard this phrase? Raise your hands!! I think this piece of advice is often given out of best intentions but unfortunately it just couldn't be applied to Val's case. The lil boy will sit in the stroller for the most 5 minutes, and although he is increasingly keen to be on his back or side in the cot playing, he still demands to be carried after a while. You see, that's it. Babies are PROGRAMMED to be carried. It's their survival instincts. They are also programmed to cry and make noise. So instead of praising quiet babies, we should actually pay special concern to those babies that are TOO quiet. Crying is a survival skill for babies.
Anyways, so each week when i see my uncles and aunties at our weekly gatherings they will ask, 'where's the stroller?' Er... it's sitting at home. 'Why?' cos it's a waste of energy bringing it out cos i will most definitely have to carry Val AND push the empty stroller which makes no sense at all. instead, i find lots of joy using baby slings and carriers that are sooo much more portable and handsfree.
The first baby carrier i got was a Moms In Mind Sarong Sling. Initially Val hated going in cos he was small and needed to be put in a cradle position which he hates UNLESS i've tricked him into it by luring him with da breast. HAHA! He prefers to be upright but was too small to be carried that way in a sarong sling. So i've temporarily put that aside for now. Then I borrowed Rani's Baby Bjorn carrier as she bought another one from Ebay for less than $10 bucks!!! My dad has great reservations about such carriers cos he thinks it's bad for baby boys to be sitting ermmm on their jewels. Also, the old model for Bjorn doesn't allow nursing on the go so i have to take Val out whenever he needed to nurse. So i borrowed another baby carrier the ERGO baby carrier from Xiao Feng. This carrier is more suited for 4 months and above so for now, i've been carrying Val with both legs to the side. It's not as secure as if his legs are spread out, so i just have to be more careful. I think it's great that i've got to try out the carriers first before buying one. Thanks friends! This is how it should be so that better choices are made! Cos every baby is different and demand different things. I'm still keen to return to the Sarong Sling cos it's the most portable and also easy for nursing. I just want to meet more moms who are experts in using the sling cos sometimes the material and all that jazz with the ring and all drives me nuts.
Anyways, i do digress badly. I meant to say that with baby carriers, i'm quite a mobile mom going places without the cumbersome stroller. Also, Val seems to fall asleep so well whenever he goes into the carrier. So when i'm desperate for him to fall asleep, i just slip him into the carrier, walk a lil, and voila! zzzz baby!
One book that really encouraged me to follow my maternal instincts on what's good for Val was Meredith Small's our Babies , Ourselves. Reading it affirmed my style of parenting and makes me feel less bad about co-sleeping and baby wearing. Even my mom has remarked to me that she thinks it was my patience and constant carrying of Val that actually helped him to become the cheerful baby he is now. She says she couldn't imagine if we had sent him to the hospital for bililights treatment- what baby we might have in return cos it's a well known fact that the nurses just let the babies cry it out cos they're too busy to be soothing and comforting them whenever they cried. So there - i don't believe in letting a baby 'cry it out.' i'm a wussy parent in that sense, but i really believe that if i'm there to comfort my baby and he learns to trust that i will be there for him, he will grow up to be a secure child. Anyways, this is a path i've taken without any deliberation, just basing it on my instincts and working with my baby's needs. Whatever happens in the future (i.e. if Val gets spoiled) will be a result of my choice, and i won't blame anyone else.
agree with you! at first i didn't realize that i'm from AP camp.. what i did is just follow my parental instinct and whatever most convenient for us. Breastfeeding turned out to be the most convenient. So do baby wearing and co-sleeping. Like you i can't imagine having to wake up at night sterilizing bottles, or pushing stroller while my baby wants to be carried.
ReplyDeleteI could confidently say that the result has been quite positive for my first child, Noe. Noe is very much independent, he can eat and drink by himself, he does not fuss, we never resort to give him time outs or punishment because we can always negotiate with him. I attribute it to AP approach, which has built trust between us and because of that, Noe listens to us and we understand him.
We believe that babies are built with strong sense of what they need, and because of that we try to understand that need as much as possible without forcing onto the baby what we (adult) think is ideal. Like we never force Noe to eat, because we trust that he has his own appetite regulating mechanism. Grandparents seems worried that Noe is too skinny, but that's because they compare Noe with most of their grandchildren who are formula drinker and being force-fed by their maids.
We're not perfect parents, but so far we're happy of what we have and what we have been doing.
yes yes that's wonderful. I agree about the appetite regulating bit. Breastfed babies know when is enough and never overeat. At least from my limited experience and from what i've read. once Val has had enough, there's NO way you can persuade him to have more. He purses up his lips, and does raspberries at me if i attempt to bring my breast close to him!
ReplyDeleteHi!
ReplyDeleteI'm Susana, the portuguese girl who once wished you a fine hour in labour.
Already had my baby Kaebo'o on Feb. 07, drug free labour - although I planned to have an epidural, my labour was so fast (7 hours, and just 2 hours of 'real' pain!!!) I had no time and must admit it was an amazing experience!!!. I found out I am quite resistant to pain.
I must say your experience has inspired me a lot and I always read what's new on your blog, antecipating what might happen to my little boy.
This posting reminds me the discussions I had with my mom, cause she though me and my husband were spoiling Kaebo'o. Until 6 weeks old, he always cried a lot when he was awake. Despite the fact he can sleep 8 to 10 hours every night since 3 weeks old, he cried a lot when he was awake and not eating. We old him a lot, giving him kisses, and my mom said "let him cry, you cried many nights and I didn't hold you." But my insticts told me not to do it, even when I was very nervous and tired. Just when I found out that a certain type of crying that lasts only 5 minutes - when he is upset with himself, trying to sleep, but he actually doesn't really cry, just make some funny sounds - we can actually let him cry.
He was born quite skinny too, and had to stay and extra day in hospital cause had some symptoms of infection (which disapeared very fast). Also because of that we felt very attached to him.
We don't care anymore about strange advises like those.And my advise to friends of mine is "do what you feel!"
Kaebo'o stopped crying so much when he was 6 weeks, and now he is a really cool guy: plays a lot by his own (sometimes we think he is still having a nap and he is just looking at some flying fishes we put above his head, smiling), almost doesn't cry (and when he does, we give him thousand of kisses!!!!) and loves to "talk" to us. He became quite "independent" without any of those advises and we feel he is extremely attached to us. he can trust us. That is very important, i guess.
For those who think we spoil the babies, I just say it depends on the baby, the cirscumstances and what the parents feel. A portuguese pediatrician once said on TV there is not good or bad parenting. Just 0,5% of parents are really bad parents cause don't give basic treatment to their children like feeding regularly, or beating. The rest just have different styles, but always a lot of love, for sure.
I have the Maya Wrap and the Maya Pouch if you want to try those. The MIM sling works best for us.
ReplyDeleteWe got the carry-till-spoilt comments to but just ignored them. Both girls are sling babies and extremely attached, which in my book is a Good Thing.