back home safely - but what about those left behind?

I think the impact of leaving hit me the moment i got onto the UNICEF car and was driven out of the UN compound towards the Australian Embassy. The tears just would not stop rolling down my cheeks. The pain was indescribable. I hugged Madhu, and the other colleagues - there was so much confusion, dilemma, sadness, anguish all together at the same time. I had made the decision to leave very quickly - when there was a window of opportunity to leave according to the security guys - and i was given the permission instantly by my chief. In my mind, i was thinking whether i did the right thing, and i was feeling so painfully guilty for leaving my colleagues behind, and yet thinking of my parents back home all at the same time. This must be the anguish felt by every single person who had to take that terrible choice of going - leaving - it's like a bad bad tear in your heart. At that time, the security phase was still at 2 although the situation was still worsening. I felt horrid because it was not time to leave yet, something inside me propelled me to go when another consultant asked to leave.

When i got to the Embassy, things were still quiet. I got my OZ visa very quickly - without having to fill in pages of forms like the others there and was asked to wait for the C-130 that would be coming any time. At that time, SIF calls to say that a JICA-chartered International SOS flight was coming and that since i was also under ISOS, i could hop onto that flight. The decision was finally taken to join the JICA flight since there were so many people clamouring for the Darwin military flight and fewer on the JICA flight so if i left with ISOS, there would be at least one more seat available for anyone else going out. Very soon after, a group of singaporeans arrived at the embassy too and i left with Armando back to his place for a shower (i was really dirty after 48 hours without a bath) and then returned to the embassy again for the pick up. By that time, the embassy doors was packed with Chinese nationals desperate to get in too. But sadly, they had to wait for a long while as the OZ govt took a long time to process their visas. Even Armando's family was not allowed to get their visas as they were asking for things like bank statements etc to prove their financial independence. Armando's australian passport was only helpful to himself so he refused to be evacuated until he could find some way of getting his family out too.

I parted ways with him at 5pm at the airport when i pushed him to return home while there was still light. The whole afternoon had been pretty peaceful with the OZ soldiers securing the main road leading from town to the airport. We hugged and said our goodbyes, and prayed that we'll see each other very soon. The plane finally took off at 8pm and we landed at Halim international about 930pm indon time and was sent to the hotel by ISOS representatives whom i must say did a superb job bringing us from one point to another.

The next morning, while in jakarta, i received news that the UN was in phase 3 and non-essential staff already asked to evacuate. It turned out that i had made a timely decision as my leaving meant one less person for them to worry, especially since i was a volunteer.

It's been 3 days since Friday when i left Dili. Seems like a long time, my concept of days all blurred up as so many things happened since Tuesday. I've been making calls to the friends in Dili to find out how they are. Some have evacuated, while others have stayed behind because their jobs demand they do that. We can only pray for their safety and trust that they make all the best decisions to stay safe.

I'm still struggling with the guilt in some ways. It's not like you clean out your memory drive when you land in Changi Airport. No, the images stay in the mind, the people you care for who are left behind, - there's a sense of helplessness too.