my life's a blur of work (a lot), study (not enough), exercise (too little), Val (intense on weekends) etc etc etc. It leaves me with very little space to breathe... to sit down in silence and peace to evaluate what's up.
perhaps this is a reason why i sometimes find myself staying up late when I could actually head for bed. the quiet gives me a chance to read up on magazines (New Internationalist, Vanity Fair, Esquire, WIRED, New Yorker), catch up on writing the blog, and sometimes think about parenting.
ah parenting... the science and art of it bamboozle me even after 3 years of becoming a mom. i see my niece growing up so quickly before my eyes - - it seemed like yesterday that she was born, and now she's 4 months! I'm so glad I took a year out to be with Val for his first year so I saw him and bonded with him so intensely for 365 days.
eventually, I was quite glad to get back to work - to be with other adults in an office, even commuting, and yes, finally having some space and time to window shop, do some yoga, get some jogging/walking done, and reconnect with the world. Of course, the price is that I don't see Val as often. Mondays to Friday i see him only for fewer than 4 hours a day (sometimes I get up at 630 before he wakes up and come home around 730pm and he sleeps about 930pm or at the latest 1030pm *gasp*). So imagine the little time we have during the week. So that's why for 3 years now, I have not had after-office social life - i decline all dinner invites, preferring to go home to Val. I mean, i have to, right? If I didn't go home earlier, i could end up not seeing my son the entire week - unimaginable! and this is also why I devote most of my weekends to him. Only when I have to rush my assignments do I sometimes get Grandma to take care of him for half a day on a Sunday.
There are friends who didn't use to understand why i couldn't join them for dinners etc. Now I think they've given up. I don't miss it all that much. I think my plate's too full to miss the partying. Anyways, those days are definitely over. My body's not the same as before - it takes late nights less kindly.
Even though i try to spend time with Val on weekends, there's always a gnawing thought at the back of my mind that I may not be "parenting" him well enough. I see some parents getting educational toys etc and working the ABCs and 123s with their kiddies. I don't do any of these structured stuff though we do read a lot of books. Last time I bought him stringing beads - the boy played with them a total of 3 mins before scampering off to his cars.
I don't do a lot of handpainting schmancy stuff too - - i have tried to interest him with magic markers but the lil bugger's a lazy bum. He prefers to wield Grandma's calligraphy brush to wreak some fine Chinese ink brush chaos. I haven't dared to buy him those pots of finger paints cos I'm not sure i'm ready for mayhem to ensue. I can only imagine him smearing it very deliberately everywhere. He's a fast one too. Hard to catch. But I know, I know, I could be depriving him of that chance to discover his inner Leonardo. Sigh. Okay, maybe one of these weekends.
To soothe my guilt that i may not be doing enough, I've just renewed my subscription to Mothering Magazine, the most sensible, down to earth, pro-nature parenting magazine i've read. It's not local of course! It's also not cluttered with horrible ads but they only accept ads that support their natural parenting philosophy. Love it.
Anyways, I've said it one too many times that I feel like Mrs Incredibles: Stretched. I have a big, child-bearing bum like hers too. But not her skinny legs. How do I slow down? Can I? It's tough. I need to get the dough on the table, and I'm committed to finishing up that dastardly Masters (just 2 modules left!). So persevere I will.
Until then, my life will be a whirlwind. But I'll make sure it's a happy one :-)
ATTA GIRL!
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